So my thoughts these last few days have been scattered and not very organized. I can’t seem to pin point my emotions. I can’t decide what mood I am in or what I am feeling. I know that seems very silly but for some reason, when I try to figure out what it is that I am feeling, I am at a complete loss. There have been a lot of events happening around me, some to me directly, some to my family, some to my friends, and some to the world in general. All these things have made my mind swirl, made me think about things in a whole new light. Some of them have left me in tears, and some have left me feeling overflowing with happiness. I sometimes wonder at the experience we are able to have here on this earth. I wonder if all the pain, loss and fear that we have to muddle through somehow makes those moments when we are filled with happiness and joy and love that much more fulfilling and rewarding. I sometimes consider other avenues my life might have taken at various points in time and find myself in great awe at the wisdom and loving guidance my father heaven has blessed me with. I am not without my faults, and I have made my fair amount of mistakes and “whoopsies!”, yet here I am still am, more blessed and loved than I could ever have imagined. How is it then that I sometimes still feel the need to complain? There is no logic behind it. I KNOW how blessed I am and I KNOW there is a plan for me that is beyond my understanding or comprehension. But on those days when I feel like nothing is going how I want it to go, I start in on everyone. I try not to, but sometimes I just don’t think before I open my mouth. Then later when I realize that I have hurt another or maybe just myself, I ask for forgiveness. Which then leads to my next thoughts regarding myself and what I plan to do to make who I am better. I make lists of goals in my head and little promises to myself about how I am going to go about making those changes. Sometimes I succeed, but more often then not I give up on the idea before it really even begins. I have come to realize that my biggest fear in changing or improving is that I will lose the me that I already am. I don’t want to lose myself. So I become frustrated and try to sort through my once again crowded and confusing emotions and thoughts. Trying so hard to figure out what it all means and why I can’t name my feelings. I am not depressed, I do not feel sad. I am pretty sure that I am happy and glad to be where I am at in life. I feel the tug of loneliness for my friends and family so far away. I love and am loved. I am grateful and blessed. But somehow still melancholy. See what I mean? How do I figure it all out? I know that I will eventually, just like with everything in my life, I tend to be extremely impatient and want to have whatever it is right now at this exact moment, but it always woks itself out in due time. So my conclusion is this: I don’t know what I feel, I don’t know when I will figure it out, but I do know that I love my amazing and sweet husband and my family and my fabulous friends. And for right now, that is enough.
This is what I came home from work to today. He always seems to know the right time to get me flowers. There is not a special occasion, and no he is not trying to sweeten me up because he did something wrong. He just simply wanted to let me know that I am special. I wish that there were some way to put into words how much I love him and how much I appreciate him. It's these simple small things that help to keep me going. Knowing that I can act stupid or dumb or overly girly around him and he will still love me (yes he does make fun of me when I am stupid, but in all honesty, I totally deserve it and I am very,capable of laughing at myself). I am so grateful that he is forever mine. He is simply the best.
