I was laying in bed tonight, and for some reason I couldn't get to sleep. I feel exhausted.... I think that the two jobs might be catching up with me a little bit Ü, but still no sleep. So I started to let my mind wander. I usually try to avoid this around bed time, because my mind can go for HOURS if I let it. I was laying in bed, completely comfortable, listening to the ceiling fan thinking about the next few months. I was wondering if I am going to be able to accomplish all the things that I have planned. I keep telling myself that I might be putting just a tad too much on my plate, but the more I try to resist, the more I can think of to try and do.
So there I am laying their wandering in my own thoughts and starting to feel the stress climb up my shoulders and into my lower neck when I suddenly felt calm and peace. That everything is just going to work out eventually. I know... that is what everyone says, but I felt it. And then I started remembering some of the amazingly loving things that my sweet husband does for me. I know that it is a random train of thought and probably won't make sense to anyone else, but I felt the need to get out of bed and write it down. Not because I need everyone to know about it, but because I want to be able to always remember and treasure them.
Here is where my mind eventually wandered to:
I can honestly say that I am not completely happy with myself. Both physically and spiritually. I have goals and I do try to accomplish them, but I am honest and can admit that those goals are often neglected and not very often accomplished. I feel like I let myself down a lot. Now, I am not saying this because I am sad or depressed. Those emotions have come and gone. I am determined. I am determined to change myself to make myself better even just a little bit every day. I don't know any women who are happy with themselves 100%. I will gladly stand corrected if I do, but I don't think that I do. I think that we all have things that we want to change and make better about ourselves. And sometimes, for me at least, I let that overwhelm and consume me. So much so that I compare myself to EVERYONE. I know that I shouldn't do that. I know that I am a fabulous person just being me, but it doesn't change the fact that I STILL do it.
So when I am in these little pity party modes, I don't usually let Casey in on my secret bash. I just pretend that everything is OK and go about my day as usual. It never fails, however, that at some point in that day, Casey will see me ( and this is 100% the TRUTH, I am always looking at about my worst, in my holy T-shirt and old sweats with my hair a nasty mess or something) and he will smile at me ever so sweetly and say "Hello beautiful". Every time. It always makes me feel very loved and so very grateful to have him. But just tonight, laying in my bed, is when I realized the even deeper significance.
I don't have to perfect. I don't have to be the most beautiful woman in the world. I am not the most beautiful woman in the world. I am not the skinniest or most perfect woman in the world. I am not the richest or the most well liked. But I am his beautiful. And that my friends, is all that matters. Of course I can and will do things to make myself better and happier and healthier. But no matter what comes my way, or how often I fail, I always get to be his beautiful.
